Movie Night Aboard the Enterprise
by kacc1112
Summary: After a long day of shirt ripping and kick-assery what's more enjoyable than sitting back and watching a movie with your pals? As far as Jim's concerned, nothing! K/S slash. Connected oneshots to be updated periodically.
1. Mission: Get Bones Pissed

To show his appreciation for all the things they do for him, Jim decides to treat Bones and Spock to a movie night. His idea of appreciation is a little different than his friends' however. . .  
Besides foul language there really aren't any warnings. Do not own Star Trek or Clerks 2.

* * *

Movie Night Aboard the Enterprise

Mission: Movie Night

Objective: Get Bones Pissed! (Which isn't that hard, btw)

Jim Kirk walked swiftly through the halls of the Enterprise with a bowl of popcorn in one hand and a six pack of coke in the other. The crew members he passed looked on with wonder as their Captain scurried by them; a man on a mission.

The past month had been an onslaught of never ending mayhem, in which he usually found himself waking up in sick bay with an angry Bones and impassive First Officer. Now was the time to make it up to them, and he knew just the way to do it. Rounding the corner, he spotted Spock and Bones standing in front of his door, an annoyed expression on the doctor's face and a slightly befuddled one on the Vulcan's.

Jim smiled at the pair as he reached them, "So, you ready for a night of amazingness, boys?"

Spock tilted his head, examining the items Jim had with him. "Captain, 'amazingness' is not a word." Bones harrumphed when Jim shoved the bowl into his arms so he could enter the code for his room.

Inside, he set down the soda and picked up the PADD that held the list of his collection of movies. It was extremely diverse; some being from as far back as the twentieth century. He scanned through the names on the list, looking for a particular one, and smirked when he saw it. "Get comfortable, guys, because this is going to blow your mind!"

"Captain, it is not possible-" Spock began.

"You know he doesn't mean it literally, you green-blooded hobgoblin!" McCoy growled taking a long draw from his flask. Jim ignored the two and put the movie on. Then he sat down on the couch next to McCoy, offering him and Spock some popcorn. As soon as the title flashed across the screen Bones choked on the popcorn in his mouth. Jim patted his back trying not to laugh as Spock looked on emotionlessly from the chair where he sat.

Once the coughing diminished Bones glared at Jim, "You're cruel, you know that?" Jim just laughed and turned to watch the movie. Clerks 2 had been Jim's favorite ever since he saw it in high school.

* * *

An hour and thirty-five minutes later the credits began to roll. The popcorn bowl sat forgotten on the coffee table, empty cans of coke strewn on the floor. Jim was still giggling like a little school girl as he ordered the lights on.

"I told you it was going to be amazing!" Jim exclaimed giddily; McCoy just shook his head. In the corner Spock sat more quiet than usual, his brow slightly furrowed in bewilderment. "Aw, that face is so cute! Hey Bones, can we keep him?" McCoy didn't answer, just continued to shake his head in disgust. "We'll have so much fun, Spocky! I bet you'll love it when I scratch your belly!"

"Dammit Jim, what you're implying is bestiality! I think we've had enough-" he didn't get to finish.

"Hey fucko, we like to call it inter-species erotica!" said Spock, his face as stone straight as usual.

Jim began hysterically laughing, "He said 'fuck'!"


	2. Mission: Be Illogical

The women of the Enterprise are buzzing with excitement, and the men have no idea what has come over them. What they find is more disturbing than Spock without logic! Again, language is iffy. Implication of Spirk and Scotty/Uhura

Do not own Star Trek sadly. However I am glad I don't own Twilight.

* * *

Movie Night Aboard the Enterprise

Mission: Movie Night

Objective: Be Illogical

"He is just so . . . ugh! I can't even explain it!" Uhura said, flailing her hands. Chapel and five other women sat around her giggling in agreement. For the past few days the women aboard the Enterprise were acting, for lack of a better word, bewitched. This left all the men, even the somewhat flamboyant captain, in complete and utter confusion.

That is until Scotty, who had been getting rather close to Uhura in the last month, got his hands on the gold.

Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, Bones, Jim, and Spock were squeezed into Jim's quarters. "So, you got the goods, man?" Jim asked excitedly. Scotty nodded his head as he looked through the files on his PADD. "I just sent it to ya, Cap'n."

Jim opened the file and pressed play. He sat down between Bones and Spock on the small couch and watched in interest as a girl, with a cactus in her hands, stood looking out into a desert. "Hey Bones, you ever seen this movie?" He asked, looking over curiously at his CMO.

The doctor scowled and shook his head, "You're the movie buff, Jim. You almost killed me because I didn't see You've Got Mail."

"That movie's a classic! Who hasn't seen it?" Jim exclaimed. Everyone in the room, besides Spock who could care less, hesitantly raised their hands. "You've got to be shitting me! I can't believe -"

"I am sorry to interrupt, Captain, but the movie has begun. Perhaps you should save this conversation for another time," Spock said in his 'First Officer voice'.

Jim fell back onto the couch with his arms folded over his chest, huffing out a quiet, "fine".

* * *

An hour or so later the men sat in the same positions they started in, well, all of them except for Jim. He was sprawled out on the couch, his head in Spock's lap and feet in Bones' with a look of awe on his face. "That movie was-"

"Ridiculous!"

"Zverskiĭ!"

"I cannae even think of what that was!"

"Disgusting!"

"Most illogical."

They all answered at the same time. Jim frowned looking up at them, "No, I was going to say awesome." Quickly he stood up, turning to look at his friends. "How could you think that movie sucked? Did you see that Edward dude? Sure, his hair was kinda ugly, but he was so ho- um, I mean, he was such a great actor!" His cheeks were flushed at his almost confession, and even though he caught himself they all knew what he was going to say.

All of them began laughing at the captain; even Spock held some amusement in his chocolate orbs. Sulu, who was the first to calm his giggles, stood up and put his hand on the captain's shoulder, "Look, Jim, sure he was a 'good actor' but the graphics were shit-especially for its time- and there were only three people that could actually act."

Jim threw his hands in the air in frustration, "Says the guy who has never seen You've Got Mail! Whatever guys, I guess I'll just have to hang out with people who appreciate my opinion!" With that he stormed out of the room.

The men looked at each other in confusion. As they left the quarters, Bones just shrugged his shoulders, "He'll get over it. I guess it's just that time of the month." His deep laugh resonated in the hall as he walked off towards Sick Bay. The others laughed and began to walk off when they realized that Spock had stopped walking.

"Spock, what's wrong?" Sulu asked.

Spock turned to him, eyebrow arched, "What time of the month is it for, Jim. I do not recall seeing anything important in his schedule." Once more the men laughed.

"It's just a saying, Spock, for when women are going through their menstrual cycle." Sulu explained.

Spock's eyebrow rose even more, "But, Jim is not a woman."

Chekov giggled, "Zat is right, Commander."

"This is most illogical."

* * *

_A week later..._

It was lunch break for Alpha shift, and like usual Bones, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, and Spock sat at a table eating their lunch. Unusual was the absence of Jim (who had continued to ignore them when they weren't on shift) and the unsettling silence that absence brought.

In the corner the women sat giggling and talking about the craze that was the Twilight saga. There was a feud over who was better: Edward or Jacob. They had even separated themselves into teams with Uhura leading the Jacob team and Jim leading the Edward team.

Jim was glaring at Uhura across the table they shared. Her fierce eyes were mere slits, a look that could kill. "Necrophiliac," she muttered under her breath. Jim didn't move a muscle at the insult.

"Dog fucker," he shot back, a small smirk crossing his lips when she flinched slightly.

The men could see a fight brewing and decided to interfere before something crass happened. "Nyota, darlin', maybe ye should jus' forget about this stupid movie," Scotty said, gently resting his hand on Uhura's shoulder.

"I agree, Jim; this is incredibly illogical and quite unbecoming of a Starfleet Captain." Not seconds after Spock spoke Jim stood and slapped him in the face, Uhura doing the same to Scotty.

"Insensitive assholes!" They growled in unison, hooking their arms together and storming off like the best of friends.

Scotty's cheek was bright red while Spock's was a dark green. They both stood still in shock, Scotty's mouth hanging open and even Spock's was slightly agape.

Bones walked up and patted them on the shoulder, chuckling darkly. "Sometimes letting them be illogical is better than the dog house, boys. You learned that one the hard way."


	3. Searching For Spock

Who doesn't love it when Jim and Bones play dress up? Spirk :)

Don't Own Star Trek or Sherlock Holmes of any form :(

* * *

Movie Night Aboard the Enterprise

Mission: Movie Night

Objective: Searching for Spock

Bones yawned, stretching his arms above his head as he watched Holmes and Watson solve yet another mystery. It had been like this for the last few days, ever since Jim had seen Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Jr. Not that Bones minded watching the movies, in fact he found them hilarious, it was that he shouldn't have been the one sitting there watching the movies. Spock should have.

Now normally, Bones wouldn't care about anything having to do with Spock, but this didn't just affect the Vulcan, it affected Jim. And whatever affected Jim affected the good doctor, for Jim had problems with being alone.

"You know, Holmes is kind of hot," said Jim who was lying on his stomach with his chin propped up on his hands. Bones didn't swing that way, but the man who played Holmes in the series was anything but hot [referring to the series, not RDJ]. "I think it's 'cus he's so logical." Something told Bones that Jim wasn't thinking about the man on the screen.

"Jim, where's Spock?" It was a simple question, one that should have received a simple answer.

"I don't know. Why would I care anyway, Bones? It's not like I'm his husband or anything!" Jim turned to him, show forgotten. "You know, I don't like you weaseling your way into my business!"

"Weaseling? Get off your high horse, Jim, because you know you'd tell me about the argument you two had ev-" As soon as Bones said it he knew he fucked up.

"How the hell do you know about that? Did that asshole decide he finally liked you and came to you for a pity fuck?" Jim's cerulean eyes were blazing and his voice was cutting.

"Shut the fuck up, Jim. You know I'm not into guys and Spock would never do that to you. But he did come to me. He was worried about you." Jim laughed bitterly.

"Worried about me? That's rich. He's a fucking emotionless Vulcan, he cares about nothing!" Tears bit at his eyes. "Do you even know what our fight was about?" Bones shook his head. Spock hadn't divulged the details. "I told him I loved him, fucking laid my heart out there and he just walked away. Well, not before saying that it was illogical. And then me telling him to just get the fuck out."

His conversation with Spock now made sense. "Jim, he loves you, too." Once more the captain laughed harshly. "I'm not kidding, Jim. He didn't exactly say those words, but he did throw around the word relationship a lot. To be completely honest, I thought you guys were already a thing. Hell, the whole crew thinks you're together, except for Chapel maybe, she still holds some hope." Jim looked up at his friend questioningly.

Then he looked down sheepishly, "We're that obvious?"

"It's not a bad thing." He patted the younger man's arm.

"Oh God, what did I do? I told him to just leave." He dropped his face in his hands.

"So you've said."

"No, Bones, you don't get it. He was about to say something after he said it was illogical, but I was so mad about it that I told him to leave, without letting him finish." With this Bones understood what Jim's revelation meant.

"He was about to tell you that logic didn't matter."

Jim nodded, "Maybe not those exact words, but yeah. He was going to tell me he loved me, too. I'm so fucking stupid!" Bones tried his hardest not to nod in agreement, but it didn't work out so well. Luckily, Jim didn't see. "I need to tell him; make amends, ya know?" The doctor nodded. "Let's go find him!" Before he could say no, Bones was being dragged out of the quarters by an eager Jim.

They made it through the halls and into the lab within minutes. Ensign Erickson was working diligently and was startled when the Captain and Chief Medical Officer burst into the room. "Sirs." He nodded a hello, "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Where's Spock?" Jim was nearly bouncing off the walls in excitement.

"I haven't seen him all day, sir. In fact, I haven't seen him since shift ended yesterday." Jim stopped moving, going into "captain" mode.

"What do you mean you haven't seen him? He is always in here." His change in demeanor terrified Erickson.

"Sir, I-I'm not sure what you want me to say." Jim opened his mouth, completely ready to tell the ensign just what he could say, when he got an idea. Once more he had Bones' hand and was running through the halls back to his room.

"What the hell, Jim! Do you know how bad we look running through the halls like that?" Bones was getting sick of being flung around like a rag doll.

"You know they love it." He was putting something into the replicator. "Besides, we're going to be doing much more, until we find Spock."

"What the hell do you mean?" Jim ran into his bathroom holding something in his arms. "And what are you doing?" Just as he asked, Jim stepped out from behind the wall dressed in what Bones immediately recognized as Sherlock Holmes' signature outfit, pipe and all.

"Well, Watson, my dear boy, we have a mystery on our hands!" Jim exclaimed in a surprisingly good British accent. Bones groaned.

After getting dressed- more like being forced to get dressed- they were making their way to the mess hall. In Jim's mind, out of so many people, one of them was bound to have seen Spock. The room was bustling as they stepped in, but once the first person saw them the comfortable chatter quickly quieted. However, a simple smile from Jim and everyone was back to their conversations. Uhura and Scotty sat in the corner so lost in their own world that they jumped when Jim and Bones approached their table. Scotty barked out a laugh. "Wha' are wearin'?"

"Don't ask," Bones growled, looking like he wanted to sink into the floor. Jim nudged him in the side. He rolled his eyes, but knew better than to argue. Clearing his throat he added, "We were wondering if you have seen Mr. Spock at all today."

"Your British accent leaves much to be desired, Doctor McCoy." Uhura's tinkling laugh was grating on Bones' last nerve.

"I agree he has much to learn, my dear girl, but his query is legitimate. Have you seen Mr. Spock today?" Uhura smiled.

"The last time I saw him was on bridge this morning. I believe he said he was going to the gym, which is weird because he never goes to the gym." She shot a strange look between Jim and Bones. "Unless something is going on that makes him feel the need to blow off some steam?"

"I do not know what you're talking about. Thank you for your time." Jim and Bones left, leaving no room for Uhura to prod anymore.

When they reached the gym they knew automatically that Spock was no longer there, but he had definitely been by the look of the dilapidated punching bag and discarded blue uniform shirt. "Shit!" Bones exclaimed, forgetting the British accent.

"Indeed."

"He would never lose his cool like this, Jim. Not out in the open. Something is going on." Jim could only nod as he took in the wreckage. Bones took the initiative and went to the computer. "Computer, find First Officer Spock."

"Commander Spock is currently located in the senior officer's quarters," the computer promptly replied. This time Bones had Jim by the hand dragging him through the halls. They reached Spock's door and he quickly put in the over-ride. Jim mumbled something about not thinking about this sooner. When the door swooshed open Bones threw Jim in and walked towards sick bay, discarding the horribly uncomfortable coat and mustache. He silently prayed that all would be well.

* * *

Spock's quarters were sweltering, much hotter than Jim recalled. He rounded the corner that led to Spock's bedroom and stopped abruptly. Before him Spock was soaking wet and completely nude. Jim gasped and Spock turned around, his eyes on fire. "Jim," he growled, reaching him in two long strides. The captain whimpered at the gravelly tone to his voice as well as the almost scolding heat of his hands.

"S-Spock, what's wrong?" Jim stuttered, not sure if it was from fear or attraction.

With two simple words he explained it all, "Pon Farr."

Let's just say Jim never questioned Spock's feelings ever again.


	4. Find the Kiwi in the Haystack

Jim just might be losing his mind after watching one too many movies. Still don't own anything.

* * *

Movie Night Aboard the Enterprise

Mission: Movie Night

Objective: Find the Kiwi in the Haystack Before Time Runs Out

"There's no way." Blue eyes bulged at the face frozen on the screen. "No fucking way." The bowl of popcorn tumbled out of Jim's lap and onto the floor where it stayed for nearly an hour until Spock entered the room. He bent and picked it up, discarding it in the trash, before going through to the bedroom, where he found Jim in white, regulation boxers; five PADD's scattered around him on the bed.

"Are you well?" Spock asked moving closer to the bed scanning Jim for any discrepancies. Beside the bandage wrapped around Jim's torso, everything seemed fine. Jim's head shot up at the sound of Spock's voice, his golden locks more unruly than usual, and he bolted off of the bed, nearly falling from the pain shooting through his side. Spock caught him easily. "You must rest, Jim. Dr. McCoy would not have ordered you to rest unless your injuries were serious." He sat Jim on the bed again, pushing the PADD's out of the way.

"I know Spock, and I'm taking it easy -really, I am- but I was watching this movie and then I saw Bones and I was all like that's not possible, but then I watched a bunch of other movies and there he was again, all growly and shit and, God I have a headache." He slapped his palm to his head, taking a deep breath.

Spock quirked his brow, staring curiously at his t'hy'la. "I believe you hit your head harder than previously suspected. I will call Dr. McCoy-" Jim shot up and grabbed Spock's wrist, stopping him from moving to the comm.

"Don't call Bones, Spock. My head's fine, I promise." He turned around and scooped a couple PADD's off of the bed, thrusting them into Spock's hands. "Look at those and tell me what you see."

Spock scanned the two PADD's furrowing his brow the longer he looked at them. After a few minutes he looked up at Jim, his brown eyes filled with question. "What you imply is impossible, Jim. However, the resemblance is uncanny."

"I know, right? And look," He bent over and scooped up another PADD. "I tried to trace a genealogy, but apparently I don't have the right information or something because it keeps telling me that it's impossible. Nothing's impossible if I can date your ancestry back to Roman times."

"Excuse me?" Spock asked in monotone.

Jim gulped. "I think that's a conversation for another time, right now we have a Kiwi to interrogate." He shuffled over to his dresser and threw on sweats and a wife-beater.

"A kiwi is a type of Terran fruit and therefore is incapable of speech." Jim slapped his hand to his face again.

"Yes, Spock, a kiwi is a type of fruit, but we're talking about the human type here."

"I am unsure of what you mean."

Jim groaned. "Alright," he breathed deeply, "I'm only saying this once, so listen carefully, people from New Zealand are referred to as Kiwi's."

"Fascinating."

Jim shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Now can we go find Bones? He's got some 'splainin' to do."

They walked in silence through the halls, nodding at the crew members they passed, and made it to sick bay just as Chapel was walking through the doors. When she saw them she stopped, worried. "Is there something wrong Captain?"

"Nope, nothin's wrong here; just coming to see what the good doctor's up to. Where are you headed?" Jim hedged, smiling when she said she was off to lunch. "Enjoy your meal, Christine."

She smiled, turning to walk away. "Thanks, Captain."

Once she was around the corner Jim's smile turned into a sneer. "We've got you now, Urban."

As they stepped through the doors, Spock tried to reason with Jim. "There is a logical explanation for this, Jim. It is prudent that you do not make assumptions."

"What other explanation could there be other than Bones being a spy from the 21st century?" Jim whispered harshly, tip-toeing towards McCoy's office.

Spock stopped and quirked his eyebrow. "You do not find that theory illogical?"

"Shh, Spock. We're trying to sneak up on him!" Just as Jim reached out to open the door, a throat cleared behind them.

"What the hell are you doing?" Bones asked, his brown eyes glittered with a mix of annoyance and amusement.

"Shit!" Jim cursed under his breath. He stood up from his crouched position and smiled at his friend. "Just wanted to surprise you, Bonesy!"

"I thought I put you on bed rest! What are you doing down here? You hurting?" He seemed genuinely worried, but Jim wasn't buying it, he was an actor after all.

Jim shrugged. "I'm fine, just wanted to see you, that's all."

The doctor looked at him suspiciously. "Well, I was off to have lunch, so if you want to-"

"NO!" Jim exclaimed, making Bones jump. "I- I mean, I don't want the crew to see me like this, all weak and shit. Couldn't we just eat in your office?"

The suspicion never left McCoy's chocolate orbs. "Uhh, I guess." He walked passed them to the door, keying in his code. "You guys can sit in here and I'll be right back after I get my-" Just as the door opened Jim pushed Bones into the office. "What the hell are you doing, Jim?" He was murderous, watching as the captain keyed in an over ride code, locking them in room. Spock stood silently off to the side. "Dammit Spock, why are you just standing there? Jim's gone crazy!"

Jim growled. "Don't talk to him! This is between you and me, imposter!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Bones barreled, slamming a fist down onto his desk. "If this is some kind of joke, I'd advise you to cut the shit now before I seriously get pissed."

Jim's laugh was harsh. "You can't fool me anymore, Mr. Urban. I know your true identity!" With this he ripped the PADD off of Bones' desk and typed furiously, bringing up the evidence he had accumulated. He shoved it into the doctor's hands. "How are you going to get yourself out of this one? Hmm?"

Bones looked over the material, a smirk working its way across his mouth; he covered it before Jim caught it. After reading all of Jim's so-called evidence he looked up at Jim in bemusement. "So, you're telling me, you think that because I look like an actor from the 21st century, I'm obviously a time travelling imposter?"

Jim nodded sharply. "So, you admit it?"

Bones held up a hand. "Wait, let me get this right. I'm Karl Urban from the 21st century, an actor, but that's just my cover, in actuality, I'm a time travelling spy sent aboard the Enterprise to take you down?" He said it slowly so that Jim could fully understand what he was implying. A flicker of uncertainty flashed across Jim's eyes before they hardened again.

His cheeks flushed in fury. "I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work!"

Bones threw his hands up in defense. "I'm not trying to do anything Jim. Haven't you thought that maybe he's my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather or something?"

"I thought about it, but when I tried to trace your ancestry it said I needed more information." He seemed to be breaking.

Bones huffed. "So, the next logical conclusion was-"

Jim groaned in realization. "God, don't say it again, it's going to make me sound like an even bigger douche."

Heaving a sigh of relief, McCoy dropped into his desk chair, crossing his legs on the desk. "So, what made you realize that I look like this Urban guy?"

"Well, I was watching this movie, "Pathfinder", because there was nothing better to do, and that dude is in it. There was this attack scene where he's running and has this growly face and I nearly choked on popcorn when I realized he looks exactly like you! After that I went on my PADD and searched for everything this Karl Urban dude had ever done and the more I saw his face, the more convinced I was. Then, Spock showed up and I kind of went crazy." Jim looked down in embarrassment.

Bones just laughed. "It's alright, Jim. Everyone goes a little crazy sometimes."

"I know, but this is just too much! I mean, how could I even think you could pull off blonde hair? That's just ridiculous!" Still looking down, Jim missed McCoy's sudden frown. "I'm just gonna go back to my room and sleep this off."

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." Without another word Jim left, leaving Spock and Bones alone in the small office. Once he was out of range, Bones shot up and rounded his desk, standing nervously before Spock. "Do you think he's convinced?"

Spock nodded. "It seems like he is. Good thing too, because I about pissed myself when he showed me all of the 'evidence' he found. God, Karl, what were you thinking? I thought you said all our movies were deleted from EXISTANCE!" Spock's face was contorted in anger and concern.

Karl calmed him with a hand to his shoulder. "Calm down, Zach. Nobody will know. Once we succeed in our mission, it won't matter anyway." Spock –or Zach- nodded his head.

"You better be right about this, man."

* * *

Jim shot up from the couch in a cold sweat, his breaths labored. Spock looked up from where he sat reading in the chair, concern surging through their bond. "Are you well, t'hy'la?" He asked, putting down the PADD and sitting beside Jim.

"I just had the strangest dream. I seriously need to stop watching those Karl Urban movies. And that Heroes show Sulu loves so much."


	5. Staying Alive!

Staying alive isn't just a nifty song by the Beegee's, that's for sure. Be warned that this one is DARK, but it's for Halloween so . . . it's worth reading! I'm doing another Halloween one that's giggle-worthy, so you have to make it through this! It's kind of gory and Jim's dirty mouth comes into play! I don't own Star Trek or Michael Myers, gladly!

A/N: Jim is a little OOC in this...

* * *

Movie Night Aboard the Enterprise

Mission: Movie Night

Objective: Staying Alive!

Jim sat curled into Spock's side, his face half covered by a blue fleece blanket. There was an unnatural chill in the air that only the young Captain seemed to feel. Beside them, very clearly drunk, Leonard sat snickering at the ridiculous blonde girls attempt at hiding from the bad guy; he cheered when the killer's blade sunk easily into the girl's bare back. It unnerved Jim. "Y'know, Bones. You're supposed to root for the victim, not the killer."

The doctor lolled his head to the side, looking at Jim uncaringly. "She's a stupid bitch fer hidin' in the closet. The only one who seems ta have any sense is the killer. Wha's his name again? Roger? Luke?"

"_Michael Myers_, Bones. How much have you had to drink?" It was nice to be distracted from the movie –even if he could still hear the blood-curdling screams and sick spattering of blood- but the fact that Bones was smashed was more unnerving than his sudden interest in serial killers. Bones never gets drunk. Sure, he drinks . . . a lot, but the last time he got drunk he was still getting over Jocelyn. "You okay, man?"

Bones growled. Not his usual grumble-growl thing that he does, but an actually feral sounding growl. Spock stiffened behind Jim and quicker than ever, picked Jim up and put his body between the doctor and captain. Jim, still wrapped up in blue fleece, looked warily over Spock's shoulder at his friend, noticing how black Bones' eyes were even in the dark of the room. Without taking his eyes off of Len, Spock whispered to Jim. "Get out, Jim. Now."

"What the fuck are you talking about, Spock? I can't just leave my best friend when he needs me!" Jim was trying to push past Spock, but the Vulcan was having none of that. Trepidation wormed its way through their bond and Jim gasped at the thought of Spock actually being . . . scared. "Baby, what's-?" Leonard made his move, grabbing Spock by the throat and throwing him into the wall. Jim screamed –the sound mixing well with those coming from the still playing movie- and took a step forward to help his t'hy'la.

Spock grabbed Leonard's arm and pulled him to his chest, using all of his strength. His eyes locked with Jim's, pleading. "Run, Jim. _Run_!" His grip on the doctor loosened and before either man could react, Bones had grabbed the Katana that Sulu had given Jim for his birthday and stabbed it through Spock's side. The sound of the blade sliding from Spock's gut had Jim feeling dizzy for a moment.

Green blood streamed from Spock's mouth, but he remained standing, grasping the hand that clung tight to his tunic. A strangled cry escaped Jim's throat and he took another step forward as if to help. Spock's eyes widened slightly and he shook his head, gasping "_run_", before he fell to the floor. Too shocked to move, Jim just stared at the motionless body of his lover, green blood pooling on the floor, flowing across the space and saturating the corner of his blanket.

Bones laughed, licking the corner of his mouth where Spock's blood had spattered. He looked at Jim with bright, black eyes. "_Oops_. My hand must've _slipped_." Jim just continued to stare at Spock, unable to take his eyes off of him. Bones laughed a little louder and stepped over Spock's body dragging the sword alongside him; bare feet stepped through the emerald blood and before Jim could react, Bones was standing face to face with him. His blood stained hand caressed Jim's cheek and the young captain shuddered at the contact. "Aww, Jimmy, what's got you all upset? Hmm?" A sob escaped Jim's chest, but he still couldn't move. "Shh, shh. It'll all be over soon." Something inside Jim snapped and just as Bones lifted up the sword Jim landed a blinding punch to the deranged man's temple. "Fuck!" Leonard exclaimed and fell face first in his victim's blood.

Taking Spock's earlier advice, Jim ran. And ran. And ran. By the time he stopped, his heart was beating harshly against his ribs; still clutched in his hand was the blue blanket. The tears he was holding in streamed from his eyes as he buried his face into the blanket that still smelt of Spock and slid to the floor. It wasn't until he wiped the tears from his cheeks that he noticed Spock's blood had smeared onto his face. A fresh wave of tears threatened to spill over, but he knew it would be useless; Bones was still after him.

As he thought this he noticed how eerily quiet it was. His head shot up and he looked around the hallway, his brow furrowing when he found it empty. It was late, he understood, but never had the halls been so empty. Come to think of it, Jim thought, I haven't seen a soul since I left the room.

He heaved himself off of the floor and ran towards Scotty and Uhura's quarters slamming his palm down on the thick metal door when he arrived.

There was no answer.

He kicked the door in desperation, his fist connecting one last time before he decided to use his over-ride. The door whooshed open easily, like it should, and he stepped hesitantly over the thresh-hold. "Monty? Nyota?" He asked the air. On the other side of the relatively small quarters, light spilled out from the bathroom. As he neared it he heard the running water and sighed. "Thank God." He stepped into the fog-filled room, not caring if he saw Uhura or Scotty naked, and gasped.

Blood was spattered across the mirror and the sink was filled with the thick substance. The shower stall was opaque from the blood that streaked it. Hesitantly, he opened the stall door and jumped at the mess of thin, dark limbs and scattered along the tiled floor. There was no head.

Jim heaved the contents of his stomach into the toilet basin, his throat burning from the acrid taste. He removed himself from the bathroom, biting his lip to keep from sobbing again. Where the hell was Scotty? Was he hurt? Or worse? Questions streamed through Jim's mind as he looked over the room again. One thing was for sure, Scotty wasn't there.

"Computer, locate-" Just as he spoke, the lights cut out. A moment later the generator kicked on, but the lighting was dim.

The sound of metal being dragged across the floor echoed in the long hallway. "_Jimmy_," The deep voice sang tauntingly. "Jimmy," He repeated.

As quietly as he could, Jim sprinted down the hall away from the voice. He ran through a pair of doors, not caring where it brought him, as long as it was away from his pursuer. Just as he set foot in the room he was slipping, falling hard onto the sticky floor. His head spun for a moment, a throb forming from where he slammed it against the floor.

When the world stopped moving he looked around to find himself in the mess hall. Five feet from him he saw a figure. "Hey, you okay?" He tried to get onto his feet, but fell back to the floor from dizziness; he pulled himself across the floor and when he was close enough, he hit the guys boot. "Dude, are you alright?" The jolt moved the figure, and in the limited lighting Jim could finally see who it was . . . and why he wasn't answering. "Fuck!" He gaped, pushing himself far away from Sulu's dead body; his throat was slit from ear to ear. In his attempt to get away, he backed up into something else. He turned to find Chekov in a similar manner to Sulu, lying on his side, blue eyes wide.

Jim forced himself off of the floor, clutching to a nearby table, and fought nausea as he tried to walk back to the door. He stopped dead in his tracks when the familiar sound of metal against metal drew closer to him. A shadow in the hallway drew closer to the door. Frantically he looked around for somewhere to hide, and his eye caught the closet door in the far corner where the cleaning robots were kept.

The door closed as soon as Bones' figure stood in the doorway.

In the small, dark space, Jim clutched a hand to his mouth to keep him gasps from being heard. He licked his lips nervously, grazing his hand accidently and nearly gagged at the copper taste. _What the-?, _he thought, then actually gagged when he realized he had fallen in Sulu and Chekov's blood. He wasn't quick enough to quiet himself.

The door whooshed open and Bones stood hauntingly before him, face twisted in a dark smile. As the doctor bent down to grab him, Jim passed out.

* * *

It was still dark when he woke up, but it wasn't the same kind of darkness. He brought his hand up and found fabric tied tightly around his head, shielding his eyes from the world. There was a shuffle to his left and he jerked his head in that direction as if trying to see who or what it was. His fingers wrapped around the cloth and he jerked it off his head.

The light was blinding, disorienting him for a moment, but when his eyes adjusted he had to blink ten or more times to discern whether or not the sight was real. At the foot of the table stood Bones smiling kindly, his arm draped around Chapel and beside him were Sulu and Chekov, their throats still torn and bloody. They too were smiling. Jim caught sight of Scotty and Uhura, her arms wrapped around the Scots waist lovingly. Both were spotless –besides a slight smudge of black on Scotty's uniform.

A warm hand settled on his shoulder and he looked up to find Spock as pristine as ever. A sob escaped his chest before he could stop himself and he jumped up, clutching his arms tightly around Spock's middle. He cried into the Vulcan's shoulder, shaking from a mixture of confusion and relief. After several minutes he pulled away and placed a tender kiss on Spock's lips, not caring who was in the room. Without looking away from Spock's face –which he was molesting with his hands- he addressed his friends. "What the _fuck _is going on?"

Bones cleared his throat and chuckled nervously. "Well, you've been watching all those damn horror movies and whining about all the awesome things you would do on Halloween that you won't be able to do because we're on a mission, and me and the rest of us decided why not bring Halloween to you." Bones gestured around the group, but frowned when his eyes landed on Spock. "The plan almost fell through because Spock, here, refused to do it. 'Vulcan's do not lie, Leonard.' So I told him it wouldn't be lying just . . . acting and that it would make you happy. So, obviously, he said yes." He cleared his throat again. "I guess that wasn't the best idea?"

Jim let the question sit in the air as he stared at Spock's face, as if he was relearning every nuance. When he turned around his eyes were stern. "Don't _ever _fucking do this to me again, do you understand?" They all nodded, Bones looking especially mollified. "That being said, I kind of wish I'd thought of it before you." His laughter echoed throughout the room, soon being joined by his friends'. "Happy Halloween Fuckers!"

* * *

Movie Night Aboard the Enterprise


	6. BONDing

DISCLAIMER: Still not mine...

Mission: Movie Night

Objective: **Bond**ing

* * *

Jim and Nyota sat on the couch talking quietly, trying to ignore the newest Bond movie playing in the background; when the woman that was being saved screamed for the umpteenth time, Jim had had enough. "That's it! This movie fucking blows and this whore needs to die!" He exclaimed, slamming his hand down on the PADD and effectively shutting it off. Sighing contentedly, he fell back onto the couch and turned to look at Nyota. "Why'd they make another one anyway? Don't they know that the classics can never be beat?"

"I know, right? My dad says that all the time." She laughed.

"I'm glad to know I'm not the only one." He shook his head and stood up, his back cracking as he stretched. "I could do a better job playing Bond than this asshole. I mean seriously, who in their right mind would cast an Orion as James-Friggin'-Bond? I mean, sure, they're all sexy and whatnot, but Bond has always been an Englishman. Dressing an Orion up in an English tailored suit and giving him and English accent does not make him English!"

Nyota laughed at Jim's display, completely missing the sudden look of mischief on his face. She yelped when he grabbed her hand and pulled her off of the couch. "What the hell are you doing, Jim?" She asked as he pulled her behind the divide and into his bedroom. Jim pushed her down onto the bed and grinned at her making her blood run cold. "You know I love you, but not like that Jim." His brow furrowed for a moment before he started chuckling and shaking his head.

"I'm not trying to sleep with you, Ny, that's just ridiculous!" He laughed.

Her brow furrowed. "And just why is the thought of having sex with me so bad?"

"Not bad, hon, just not exactly my cup of tea. I mean sure, you're beautiful, and if you had ever said yes to me during the Academy, I would've been all over it, but now I would much rather have Spock fuck me into the mattress than fuck you into it." She blushed and looked down at the bed, jumping up abruptly at the thought of what she was just told. Jim laughed some more, finally sobering after a few minutes. "Alright, so the reason I brought you in here is because we're going to play," Paused for effect. "DRESS UP!"

Nyota didn't know whether to be excited or scared.

Perhaps a bit of both.

* * *

"I gotta hand it to you, Jim, you know how to dress a girl." Nyota said looking down at the bikini she now donned. "I'll over look the fact that you racially profiled me as Halle Berry because I'm black."

Jim looked at her in the mirror –he was straightening his bowtie- with a hurt expression. "I'm kind of offended that you think I put you in that gorgeous bikini just because you're ass flawless as Halle Berry." He turned around, fiddling with his cufflink. "If you must know, Miss Uhura, I was thinking more along the lines of Ursula Andress, the original Bond girl." He touched the fabric of the bikini. "Hence the reason the suits white not orange."

She quirked her eyebrow and rested her hands on her hips. "Oh yeah? And if I'm this Ursula lady, then who are you? Connery?"

Jim laughed, his eyes lighting up. "First of all, you're a mixture of Miss Berry and Miss Andress. Secondly, I like to think of myself as a mix between Connery, Brosnan and Craig." His grin- enhanced by the eye catching tuxedo- was utterly charming.

She rolled her eyes. "You do realize that you just listed the best Bonds, right?" All she got in return was his panty-dropping grin.

"Let's go." He said and grabbed her wrist.

"I'm not going anywhere in this!" She exclaimed, freeing her wrist from his grasp. He groaned in annoyance and walked back to the closet.

"You make my life harder."

* * *

This time when Jim pulled Nyota out of the room she wasn't complaining –that may have had something to do with the gorgeous purple gown she had on. Jim pulled her along, down the corridor, slowing when they heard voices coming from their right. He looked back at her and motioned for her to remain silent. She rolled her eyes, but played along. Slowly he walked up the corner, his hand under his jacket as if reaching for a gun. Before he could reach it, a group of ensigns came around the corner and jumped when they saw him. He stood up straight, nodding an acknowledgement to them, pretending like it wasn't completely strange that their captain was skulking around in a tux. They continued to walking –doing so in bewilderment- and once they were gone Jim nodded to Nyota and began walking again.

Five minutes later, with no more interruptions, they were making their way towards sick bay. "What are we doing?" She whispered harshly.

He looked over at her and said, almost conspiratorially, "We're gonna kick Dr. Evil's ass."

"Dr. Evil is Austin Powers, Jim, not James Bond."

"Oh right. I meant Dr. No. We're gonna kick Dr. No's ass." He said quietly, making sure there wasn't anyone around.

"And Dr. No would be Leonard, wouldn't it?" She guessed. He nodded his head fervently and then stepped into sick bay.

Across the room, an unsuspecting Leonard McCoy was talking to Christine, his back to the sick bay doors. "Got ya now, Doctor." Jim exclaimed, pulling out a phaser. Nyota's eyes widened and she nearly lunged for the gun before realizing that it was probably just a prop.

Bones turned around and crossed his arms over his chest, his eyebrow shot up into his hair. "Really, Jim? What the hell are you playingat?"

"Don't mess with me, No! I know what you do!" He exclaimed.

"What the-? You're such an idiot, Jim, just give me the damn -" Bones began to step towards him and Jim fired the phaser. Len fell to the floor, stunned.

It took them all a second to realize what had happened before they were rushing to the side of the fallen doctor. "Oh shit! Oh my god. I didn't realize I grabbed my actual phaser. He's gonna fucking kill me when he wakes up." Jim said anxiously.

"You're such an asshole! I knew this was a bad idea!" Nyota said.

Jim pointed at her with the phaser, which she quickly relieved him of. "Well, you didn't try to stop me!"

"I didn't know you were going to stun your CMO!"

They continued to bicker back and forth for a few minutes before they were interrupted by a menacing growl. Looking down found them staring into the dark eyes of Leonard H. McCoy. "You're fucking dead, Jim."

Jim yelped and started backing away slowly as Bones carefully stood up. "D-does t-this mean I c-can't make my joke about _Bonding_?" He tried to lighten the mood, but Leonard stalked closer.

"I think you should run, Jim." Nyota offered.

Bones nodded. "Yeah, that way I'll take more pleasure in kicking your ass."

Jim ran through the door screaming his apologies with Bones hot on his trail. Chris looked over at her, laughter in her eyes, before taking in the gown. "You look gorgeous. Where'd you get that dress?"

"Believe it or not, Jim."

Chris laughed. "Huh. Well it's too bad Len's gonna kill him. It looks like he'd be great to shop with."


End file.
